My Coming Out Story

My coming out story started some time before anyone actually found out, when I was very young I always had an idea that I liked guys and I always knew I was different but I never really thought anything of it. One night when I was about 17 I was lying in my bed looking through pictures of a particularly good looking male actor on the internet with my phone when all of a sudden it hit me, I realised I was gay I felt so scared I realised that for the rest of my life I was always going to like men, I started to panic thinking what is the rest of my life going to be like and eventually I managed to cry myself to sleep.

Since that night I started to isolate myself even more than I already was, I went through a lot of denial hoping that it was just a phase and that I would grow out of it. I eventually managed to accept myself for who I was but was not comfortable enough to tell anyone so I just kept it a secret.

One day at college when I was 18 I was sitting in the canteen with my small group of friends and one of them picked up my phone and started playing with it, all of a sudden you could just see his expression change then he looked at me and asked me if I was gay. At this point I seriously thought my heart was going to come flying right out of my chest it was beating that fast, my friend turned my phone to show me a picture of the same good looking male actor as before that I had now saved onto my phone. I thought for a moment but could not think of any reasonable excuses as to why that picture would be there so I just said yes. The rest of the day at college was so scary for me, all of my friends but one were very accepting, but I just kept thinking do they really mean what they are saying or are they just being nice. However one of my friends never said a word to me after he found out so after college I pulled him to the side and asked him what he thought, I explained that I was still the same person then asked if we were still friends, he said yes of course we are but I could see he was feeling very awkward so I said goodbye then went home. I hoped that over night he would think about it and possibly calm down a bit.

That night I went to work in my local fish & chip shop, I really hated the place but I was so happy that night that I totally forgot I hated it. I was singing along with the radio and I was jumping about like an idiot because I had this amazing sense of relief like a weight had been lifted from me. Of course in the middle of that night my big crush came in for some chips and I turned into a total idiot, I managed to knock a shelf off the wall and drop a pile of polystyrene trays into the fryer just in the time he was in.

The next day I sent my best friend a text telling her, I was too scared to tell her to her face but she replied telling me she respected me for telling her, when I did eventually see her at the weekend at my other work we talked about it a little and I told a few more friends.

That was pretty much it for a few months, I left the chippy and just focused on college and my weekend job. I started hating myself because I couldn't bring myself to tell my family so I moved out, I shared a flat really close to the college. I hoped this would allow me space to just be myself but then instead of going forward I just went back to denial, I started drinking every night till either I passed out or just gave up and went to bed in tears, thinking back I don't know why I kept drinking because it just made things worse. I managed to get a job in a pub of all places but I think this was best for me, I was kept busy between my 2 jobs and college but so I didn't think about my sexuality for a good few months but then the depression returned I started drinking again and stopped turning up to college, after a couple of weeks of not turning up I sent my lecturer an email explaining that due to personal problems I would not be going back to college, After about a month of just working my 2 part time jobs I decided to go full time in my weekend job. Not long after that I moved out of the flat and into a house by myself.

I was really happy here on the odd occasion I was at home I either sat at the computer, listened to music or watched TV. I really enjoyed my own company because I have always been a very isolated person anyway.

When I got to the age of 20 though I decided that I had had enough of working a full time job and a part time job so I left my full time job and went full time at the pub where I still work now. However doing this left me very short of money and I had to move back in with my mum which stressed me out again because I still hadn't told her.

However not long after moving in I arrived home from work late one Saturday night and found my mum sitting drinking. I joined her for a few drinks, then a few more before I knew it we were both really drunk. My mum asked me why I didn't have a girlfriend and I just paused so then she asked if I was gay so I said yes, the few days after that my mum told my sister and my step dad.

And that is where I am at now.